Throughout my lifelong efforts to lose weight, I often thought that if I knew why I had an eating disorder, I would be able to fix it. I knew there were reasons why I ate the way I did but I didn't know for sure or what to do about it.

 

I didn't reach 424 pounds because food tasted that good or I was that hungry. I see now that it was substance abuse and it started when I was a child. Food was something I had some measure of control over. It was a way to numb my feelings and gave me some self-comfort and self-nurturing. I learned that early and it's how I coped with life. 

 

A time came where I realized that the tactics and tools that I needed to use to lose the weight would be the same whether I knew the reasons why I was eating or not. I might never know. Knowing that helped me stay on track and indeed I did lose the weight. I lost 250 pounds through a real food approach combined with fasting. As part of that process I reversed my illnesses, including type 2 diabetes, hypertension, hyperlipedemia, acid reflux and sleep apnea. Three years ago I had surgery to remove excess skin.  I have a normal sized man's body now for the first time in my life.

Getting support was instrumental in my weight loss process. It helped me learn and helped me stay engaged. I found that I was not unique in my struggles. With other people, I celebrated my successes and learned how to deal with the inevitable slips. For sure, there were ups and downs and times of some regain, but I was able to go all the way and reach my goals. Building and refining habits was key. I had to treat this as a permanent lifestyle change, not a limited time diet.

 

After a few years of educating and supporting people through local and online support groups, I became an educator and coach which took my work to a new level of immersion. I made a career change and became a board-certified Health and Wellness Coach.

 

Losing the weight did not solve all of my problems, in fact, I had new problems. I was going about my life as a normal size person for the first time in my life, but found out I was not well equipped for dealing with life on life's terms. I had trouble managing my feelings and emotions. Most of my life I medicated with food, which kept me in a tranquilized state with my brain being fueled by sugar and ultra processed food. Food that hit the reward centers of my brain in just the right way. It calmed me. It comforted me. It nurtured me. But I wasn't using food like that anymore. When feelings came up, I had to deal with them perhaps for the first time ever or in a way that had to be different because my brain worked differently when it wasn't running on sugar.

Things started to fall apart for me last year. I thought I'd "made it" and was trying to live life the way I thought it was supposed to be lived, but my personal life was not on track and it started to show.  Things were happening that I did not know how to handle. After last summer, I was no longer coaching, and I was no longer in a relationship, and I felt completely lost and aimless, just marking each day as it went by. I did not go back to medicating myself with food but at times I was nearly overcome with stress, anxiety and a feeling of helplessness.

 

Over the past year I've been going through an intensive healing process. I have been using various therapeutic modalities to improve my mental health. Reading self-help books. Exploring new ideas. Getting professional care. Working with a life coach. Practicing yoga and meditation. Most importantly I have sought out community and become active in those communities. I'm grateful to say it's working.

 

I've recognized that I have worked on the bigger and more obvious events of my life that were traumas, but I've overlooked what it was like simply to be an obese person for my whole life and the day-to-day trauma that itself brought. So ingrained in me, so part of my being, that I didn't even recognize it was there.

 

When I first learned about changing my way of eating in a way that worked for me, it was so groundbreaking that I wanted to find other people on my path to share and support. Now I am learning more about the thinking, feeling, emotional side of what has been going on, I find myself wanting to share that knowledge with others and get back to helping people on their own journeys - which helps me. Building community and making connections with like minded people.

I created this page because I recently made a commitment that I was going to take steps to get back into coaching in some way. I truly believe this is my purpose and I am almost ready, although it will be in a different, more holistic way. 

 

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